Attack of the Fuzzy Dice Fingers
by Parnassus
Summary: One-shot. Cal and Niko battle a disgusting creature. An unfortunate mishap leaves Niko, (and Robin), to deal with a very stoned little brother.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue me. Also, this is pure unabashed brother fluff and how do you call it...whumpage? Hee...in any case, enjoy and please do let me know what you think! **

* * *

I ducked and weaved to the right just as the massive form hurtled itself towards me. The thing was fast I'd give it that…and persistent.

Nearly twenty minutes and still neither of us could get the upper hand. I raised the katana and sliced yet another piece of fleshy gunk from it's slithering body. This time it barely seemed to notice. It ignored me and lunged for Cal who blew three house-sized holes in a portion of flesh I assumed to be its torso.

I'd patiently informed him earlier that noguls were impervious to bullets, but that didn't stop him from utilizing them. Safety blankets – we all had them.

Mine was currently whirling with lightening speed to imbed directly in the nogul's spine. He flipped, impressively high, and shook himself free of the blade. It landed on Cal who collapsed to the ground with a thud.

The giant worm-like mouth gaped open and the millions of transparent teeth pulsed with anticipation as it lunged for Cal's head. I heard a vicious growl as another round went off, straight into the thing's mouth and clean through the back of it's head.

Slime stained with dark purple blood flew generously as it was knocked back from the force. Cal grinned up at me. His voice a bit muffled through the gas mask but I made him out loud and clear. "That right there, that's why I fucking love guns!"

"Don't be so quick to celebrate," I warned as I leant him a hand and whirled around just as the nogul recovered itself and angrily whipped its massive tail towards our heads. Damn the thing was quick.

I managed to avoid the thick flesh and dove to the side. Cal wasn't so lucky. I heard a decisive crash as he connected midair with the edge of the brick wall and fell into a plethora of discarded bottles. I swore when I didn't see him get up right away. The impact had thrown the mask from his face and I couldn't see where it had landed. But I didn't have much time to think about those implications as the creature's body spun and once again hurtled for me at breakneck speed.

This time I aimed for the mouth. The only way to kill the thing was to gut it clean through. Tear it in half so to speak. Well not really, because that was exactly what I intended to do. Again I lunged with the katana. It caught in the jagged teeth but I felt it penetrate flesh. I wasted no time and drove with all my strength.

I barely heard it slash through the air as the nogul's tail connected with my head and sent me sailing. I rolled and jumped right back on my feet, but not before the creature had descended on my brother's limp form.

"Cal!" I shouted and dove for the two figures, my heart pounding with fear laced adrenaline.

It happened so quickly I barely had time to comprehend what I was seeing. A deafening growl filled the putrid air and drew to an agonized screeching. Suddenly, there was an explosion of purple guts and pungent intestinal lining as the creature literally combusted before my eyes. The screech died away and a greenish vapor wafted up from the corpse to fill the air.

"Dammit Cal, answer!" I went to my knees and felt some of the purple gunk shift under my touch. I heard a succession of harsh coughs and labored breath as my brother's head popped out of the slime.

Cal was a mess. Slippery hair stuck to his purplish goo covered face, half of his body still buried underneath the remnants of nogul guts. But he was a grinning mess. I heard a slurp as he pulled his arm free of the gunk and with it came his Boker. Well that explained the explosion.

"Hey," he sounded happy, if not a little woozy. "You missed all the fun!" He laughed as I pulled him free and to his feet where he swayed dangerously and would've toppled if I hadn't caught his arm. It was a jarring, unnatural laugh and had me on edge until I remembered.

"Cal, where's your mask?"

He stood blinking owlishly at me for a few seconds, felt his face and then spun dramatically as if finding it were the most important thing since Columbus discovered America.

"Dunno, had it a second ago," he coughed into his sleeve. "Ah shit, Nik…it poisoned me didn't it? I mean I basically took a bath in its insides when I gutted it, there's no way I came off scott-free without the stupid mask."

"I'm afraid so," I answered evenly. "But I wouldn't be too concerned. Me, it would've poisoned. Fortunately, _your_ immune system shouldn't have too many issues but I have no idea what sort of side effects to expect. Do you feel anything?" I grabbed his face and opened his eyelids further. The pupils were slightly dilated but that could've just been a result of being tossed head first into a brick wall.

Cal shoved my hands away from his face and then seemed to study the ground intently for a moment. "S'moving…looks like, like ants. Nik, why's it moving?"

He was slurring. Slurring was never good.

With a roll of my eyes I retrieved our weapons and then hooked an arm around his waist to get us moving. I had the very distinct feeling I wasn't going to enjoy the next twenty-four hours.

"G'off me! I can walk," Cal insisted even as he nearly crashed into the wall after staggering out from my grip. He didn't crash. Instead he caught himself and… _giggled? _Oh Christ.

"Wall feels slippy," He ran his fingers over the brick. "Like pudding…purple pudding." I moved to take his arm and get us the hell out of there when he looked up at me, the traces of laughter replaced with confusion.

"Nik, I feel weird. N'not good weird but like…weirded out weird. Y'know?"

"Well that certainly clarifies things," I snorted as I began dragging him towards the waiting car.

After a few seconds he looked back at me. His eyes grew childishly wide when he asked, "Nik, m'I gonna die?"

"Don't be dramatic. No ones dying." His legs went limp again and I hauled him back up.

I assumed he had inhaled a good deal of the vapor and obviously his body wasn't handling it very well - if you call flying high as a kite handling it. Although if I had inhaled the poison I would've been on the ground convulsing by now…I quickly decided I didn't mind dealing with a stoned brother for an evening. Beat the alternative.

"Bu…how'd you know? Yer not a psychic. I might die soon as my ass hits th'seats. You don' know everything…"

"I know I'm going to kick your ass if you don't get it in the car." Cal glared dejectedly as I threw the weapons in the trunk along with my own mask and then pushed him down into the passenger's seat.

Before I made it to my side of the car I heard his panicked voice shouting, "Nik! Nik g'in here!" I quickly pulled open the door, knife in hand.

"What? What's wrong?" I swept my eyes over the car's interior searching for the cause of Cal's distress but found nothing. I looked at him curled against the window, his arms tucked around him and his eyes staring suspiciously at…well I wasn't sure.

"Cal?" I emphasized.

"Th'dice. The fuzzies had fingers. Nik they're gunna eat me!"

"The dice are going to eat you…" I repeated incredulously. I glanced at the fuzzy red dice hanging from the rearview mirror and nearly choked on the effort it took not to laugh.

"Yeah," Cal finally looked at me. His glazed eyes so uncharacteristically terrified that I started to feel sorry for the kid. Cal was scared. This wasn't funny. Ok so it was a little bit funny but I'd save the laughter for later when he was his painfully sober, asshole-ish self again.

The thought of harassing Cal with his newfound dice-phobia put me over the edge and I couldn't help the smile forming on my normally impassive lips.

"Niiik," Cal whined. "S'not funny! Tha' fingers are gunna burrow in my skin n' then they're gunna pick my ass apart like pulled pork!" He untangled his arms, crossed them in a decisive - if not uncoordinated – gesture with all of the indignation of a five year old. It didn't help me any with reigning in my amusement.

"Cal," I said slowly, attempting to sound as reassuring as possible under the circumstances. "The dice are not going to eat you."

"You won' sound so calm when th'fuzzy assholes turn me into Than'sgiving dinner," he huffed.

"Cal, if I hear any mention from inanimate objects about holidays involving you as the main course I swear I'll slice them before they get a chance to boil the water. Deal?"

"Pr'mizz?"

"Promise," I smiled. Then reached to untie the dice and toss them in the backseat. "Better?"

A lopsided grin peered through the sweaty strands of black hair. "Yeah…th'nks Nik. Yer a good brother." He grasped my arm, a little harder than I would've thought he was capable of at that moment.

"Alright, let's not get ridiculous, please," I asserted as I shook it off. The hand clasped back on just as quickly.

"Nah, I mean it Nik. Yer a good one, n'you do everything for me n' you don' have to bu' you do n' I luv you."

"Cal, sit back and put on your seatbelt." I shook my arm free and began reversing the car out of the alleyway. At least the malevolent dice seemed to have been forgotten for the moment.

"No, I mean it…you think I don' bu'I do cause' m'an ass'ole lots of times bu'I really do, shit Nik…I luv you n'yer ma' brother n'you know already but m'still tellin' you." He shook my arm back and forth while he rambled. Not forcefully, more like absently giving his hands something to do.

"Alright, I love you too," I sighed. "Now would you please sit back and let me get us home in one piece?"

"I don' think you mean it…"

Great. He went from cringing-worthy earnestness to pouting in a half second. I was beginning to think it would've been less hassle if I had been the one to lose his mask. Granted, there may have been a hospital involved but my brother was giving that scenario a run for its money.

"Cal, if you suddenly sprout breasts and an affinity for dark chocolate by the evening's end, I don't think I'll be surprised."

He blinked back at me for a few seconds and then tugged at the neck of his shirt and glanced down.

"That'd be fun!" He giggled to no one in particular and slouched against the window, no doubt considering the endless possibilities of that scenario. I rolled my eyes and tried to concentrate on the road. It became more difficult when Cal decided to use my braid for batting practice. No affectionate tugging. Just massively annoying, batting and yanking.

"You know _yer_ tha one with girly hair," he accused as he flicked it back and forth like a cat playing with a ball of yarn. "Laura Ingalls is pro'ly jealous…" A very pissed off ball of yarn.

"Cut it out!" I swatted at his hand a little more aggressively than I probably should have. He raised his eyebrows dramatically in surprise at my belligerent outburst and went back to crossing his arms.

"M'telling," he growled.

"And who are you planning on telling?" I snapped. Apparently I was defensive about my hair. Maybe I was the girl. Or maybe it was late and I really wasn't in the mood to deal with this. I reminded myself that technically it wasn't even Cal's fault.

"I dunno…" He seemed to seriously ponder the question for a moment before setting his features in a determined pout. "Bu' m'still telling." The anger melted away and again I found myself trying to contain a weary smile.

I decided on Goodfellow's place since it was closer and I didn't have the energy to drive all the way to Brooklyn with Cal using my hair as a piñata.

But he seemed to have lost interest in my braid for the time being. His head lolled as he quickly began to drift. Now that _did_ worry me.

"Cal," I leaned over to shake him. "Don't go to sleep, alright?"

He stirred and his eyes continued to droop as he shifted to find a more comfortable position.

"Bu' m'tired." He rested his head against the window and sighed. "N' everything's still moving. S'makin' me dizzy…better if m'eyes r'closed."

That would be the probable concussion. Kid couldn't catch a break tonight. "I know you're tired but you need to stay awake until I can check you over properly. We'll be at Goodfellow's in a few minutes. You can sleep then."

Cal moaned and griped incoherently but managed to stay awake as I shook his shoulder in varying degrees of roughness every five seconds until we arrived at the penthouse.

"S'isn't our place," Cal noted in confusion as I dragged him out of the passenger's side door.

"I'm relieved to see your deductive skills remain intact. It's Goodfellow's and it was closer. Behave yourself," I instructed.

Cal mumbled something before swaying drunkenly and kneeling to apparently lie down on the sidewalk before I hauled him back up and hooked an arm around his waist to lead him inside.

"I don' wanna go t'Robin's, Nik. He makes me feel bad…" The incessant vocal whine had returned full force.

Fortunately, the doorman had seen us more than a few times and I mentioned something about the flu in passing as he glanced appraisingly at my unsteady brother. He waved us in and I pushed the elevator button. "What do you mean, he makes you feel bad?"

"About m'seeelf, Niiik…" The last two words were said with exaggerated emphasis.

His face appeared decidedly forlorn as he continued, "Ha'you seen th'size of Robin's…"

"Cal," I interrupted sternly. "Don't. I'm sorry I asked."

"Bu' s'true," he insisted, undeterred. "He makes Cal junior loo'like a fuckin' peashooter next to th'Giza Pyramid. S'not fair Nik! I wanna be a pyramid…"

I wasn't too keen on putting my two-cents in the nickel jar for this particular discussion. So instead I gave him a sympathetic shove into the elevator.

Cal glanced down sadly and patted the front of his jeans. "S'ok junior, I know y'got heart. N'sometimes…luvs all y'need."

A hospital sounded relaxing right about now. Beeping monitors and all.

I banged on Robin's door and immediately fixed my eyes on the ceiling in anticipation of what I feared would greet us at this hour.

I heard the door creak open and an exasperated huff of air blown our direction, "Oh for the love of Zeus, what do you two want now?"

Thankfully, the majority of Robin was clothed in a bright green silk robe he had just barely managed to secure around his waist.

"Robin!" Cal's exclamation was accompanied by an uncoordinated fling into Goodfellow's surprised arms. "Aw, man I missed'ya!"

The puck nearly toppled backwards at the unexpected embrace but somehow managed to remain steadfast, his arms flailing as he yelled incredulously, "What in the name of everything unholy happened to him?"

"Don't take it personally," I smirked. "He was poisoned by a nogul and I believe he also sustained a concussion. The two combined have made for an especially interesting evening thus far."

Robin continued assessing Cal with a terrified expression. Of course the terror could have been because my brother was now rubbing his head against the silky fabric, effectively soiling Goodfellow's no doubt expensive nightwear.

"I was hoping to check him over and perhaps lay him down for a few hours. I'm not sure I have the patience to go much further tonight."

"I can imagine," Robin said sympathetically as he continued to grimace at Cal. "Well don't just stand there, get him off!"

I took it for an invitation and pulled Cal to the couch in the center of the living room.

"Stay," I instructed as I went to go hunt for the necessary medical supplies. Cal giggled something about "obedient puppies" and buried his head in one of the gold-tasseled pillows. "Watch him, please." Goodfellow sighed resignedly and settled himself beside Cal on the couch.

I returned a few minutes later, supplies in hand, and found Cal tugging at Robin's robe with his head resting in uncomfortably close proximity on the puck's compliant shoulder. Goodfellow grinned in smug amusement as I entered the room.

"Ah luv you Robin…I pro'ly would'a killed m'self too f'you had'a died. M'really glad yer still here you gre' big horny goat…I don' even care f'yer naked un'er that…ah luv you." Cal went in for another hug. This was really getting out of hand.

"You know Niko, normally I would take gratuitous advantage of a situation like this," Robin smirked. "But then I recall some people don't look kindly upon those who would bestow their blessings upon hopelessly inebriated younger brothers."

I glared dangerously before kneeling beside the couch and prying Cal off of the overly generous puck.

"Whoaa…" Cal teetered forward and blindly grasped my shoulder for support. "Rooms twisty." He swallowed audibly and closed his eyes as I probed for the lump I found at the base of his skull, about the width of a golf ball. Thankfully, there was no blood and every other part of him was more or less intact with the exception of a small gash on his arm. I set to work cleaning him up and administering bandages as needed.

"Cal?" He had grown steadily grayer as I finished the ministrations and took in a ragged breath. His dazed eyes roamed until they found mine and I heard him swallow again.

"Nik…m'head hurts."

"That's to be expected after banging it against a brick wall. You'll feel better after you rest."

"M'dizzy…n'hurts…" he slurred. Cal looked like he might cry.

"Perhaps you should get him to bed. The poisons obviously wearing off." Goodfellow gestured to one of the rooms jutting off from the main floor.

I nodded and gently pulled Cal to his feet, "Alright, come on Junior, bedtime."

"K," he said quietly then swiveled. "Wher's Robin?"

Goodfellow stood and grabbed Cal's other arm to assist me. Cal slung himself out of my hold and grasped both Robin's shoulders. He swallowed thickly and suddenly looked very serious when he said, "Robin, I gotta tell y'somethin'…I…"

Cal's stoic expression twisted uncomfortably. Then he abruptly bent at the waist and threw up all over the abhorred puck's ruby-encrusted Persian slippers.

I rested a hand on his back as he coughed and swiped his sleeve across his mouth when he was finished. "I believe Goodfellow could have done without that bit of information Cal."

Robin, for his part, stared in wide-eyed horror at the mess decorating his feet.

"I invite you into my home and _this, _this is the thanks I get? If you cut off your right arm, Caliban, it wouldn't be sufficient payment for these shoes! From the Queen of Sheba herself, do you understand?!"

As disbelief morphed into seething rage I quickly herded my half-conscious brother towards the bedroom and out of the kill zone.

"I'll be back in a moment to clean up," I called over my shoulder, hoping to pacify. Goodfellow flailed a fist at our retreating forms and shouted several unpleasant obscenities in an unfamiliar language.

"He's mad," Cal lamented as I removed his guts and vomit soiled shirt and tossed it into the corner before gently easing him down onto the mattress. "M'sorry…"

"It's not your fault. Besides, I'm sure he has several similar pairs of bejeweled footwear close at hand."

"Nah, bout' Robin," Cal corrected me as his eyes began to droop. He settled further into the pillows and I pulled the covers up around his neck.

"M'sorry for me, Nik…you n'ver complain…bout' anythin'. Yer always jus' there and I don' deser…"

I could sense where this was heading and stoned brother with a concussion or not I wasn't going there.

"That's enough Cal." He blinked at me hazily and a painful expression pinched his features as he groped for my shirt. Apparently stoned warranted clingy in my brother's case.

"I mean it," I continued when he tried to push himself back up. "Lay down and get some rest."

"Nik…" His sad eyes searched my own and suddenly I felt tired. "You don' ever think about how much eas'r it would'a been for you f'I jus' would'a never been born?" He smiled bitterly. "N' m'using that term loosely…you could'a had a real life ya'know?"

"How much swatting is it going to take for you to get it through that stubborn ass skull of yours how stupid it is to think about things like that?" I gently flicked his exposed ear.

My voice softened considerably when I reassured him, "Cal, I love you and it's my favorite thing in the world, being your compulsively anal older brother." I saw wet in the corner of grey eyes that mirrored my own.

"I don't know what would've happened to me if you were never born, but I do know it wouldn't have been anything good. Get it?" He cast his eyes away before nodding slowly.

"Good." I fixed the blankets one last time. "Now seriously, go to sleep."

"So…the swats r'yer version of love pats?" The mask was being pulled back into place and I saw the slightest hint of a considerably loopy smirk.

"On occasion," I answered. "Yes."

I positioned a wastebasket beside the bed and nudged his shoulder. "Hey," I whispered, indicating the can. "In case you feel sick again."

"Mmm…" Cal nuzzled his head in the pillows and seconds later I heard his breathing even out in much needed sleep.

* * *

Goddammit. I mean seriously, what the hell? Pain…lots of pain. Throbbing pulses of pain. Like the fucking Roadrunner dropped an anvil on my head.

Weird images. I remembered gutting the nogul from his neck to his belly, feeling ridiculously good about my self – nothing like monster slaying to boost the good ole self esteem – and then not a whole lot else.

Nik dragging and shoving me from Antarctica to kingdom come, a hazy car-ride, freaking the hell out during said ride, and I was pretty sure puke was involved at some point in the evening if the dying animal living in my mouth was any indication.

There was a horrible chance I made a complete asshole out of myself last night.

I gingerly lifted my head, testing the lump I knew I would find. Fucking fantastic. I glanced at the clock and noted it was almost two in the afternoon. Must've really taken a good knock if Nik didn't even bother to shove me out of bed for our ritualistic run.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and my left foot landed in a thankfully empty trashcan. The door creaked open and Nik's head popped in.

"Good, you're up," The massive grin was unsettling to say the least. My brother never grinned, not like _that _anyway. "Goodfellows officially kicking us out. Keeps raving about how you owe him two arms and a leg for damages and psychological repercussions."

"I wha…?" My brain wasn't having much fun playing catch-up.

"Never mind, I'm sure you'll hear about it incessantly over the next month or so."

"Oh and Cal?" Nik's disturbing grin grew another few millimeters. "Think fast."

I saw a lethal flash of something red before it hit me square in the face. The pain flared in the back of my skull.

"Son of a bitch, Nik!" I pinched the bridge of my nose and groaned dramatically. "What the hell is this?" I demanded as I retrieved a ridiculously large pair of red dice and dangled them accusingly in Niko's direction.

"Why don't you ask the fuzzy fingers," he grinned. "I just thought it was time for you to face your fears."

Once again the gears creaked and protested as my foggy brain struggled to comprehend.

Something tickled my memory and I recalled the freak out from last night…or at least a hazy version of it. I remembered being horribly afraid I was going to be attacked. Apparently, these fuzzy bastards had been the culprit. And…oh god…and Nik had been there to witness the entire meltdown in all of its irrational glory. I was certain he was saving the juicier details for later. He'd be blackmailing me out the ass for the next decade.

Recognition is a very distinct expression and my face must have been practically glowing with it because Nik suddenly burst into laughter. Yes, actual _laughter_. Full bellied chortles, head thrown back, the whole shebang. I heard the laughter carry down the hall as he retreated from the doorway.

A pair of red dice promptly followed him out. "You are such an asshole!" I hollered desperately.

Shit. I was never going to live this one down.


End file.
